“Never make a decision laying down”

“Things are never as bad as they seem”

“Get used to it” – phoning a distraught brother after West Ham lost the 2006 FA Cup Final

“Fuck it” – after realising he was on a stag do in Amsterdam during the aforementioned Cup Final. West Ham’s first cup final since 1981

“I just met your gay brother” – a lady of Newcastle to two of Andrew’s brothers whilst pointing at Fingers dancing

“Duck!!” – words of warning to his brother Jim after the milk bottle with the super strength firework toppled over. The firework ended up in Jim’s hood and was knocked out of his clothing with seconds to spare before explosion.

“Why do you go out of your way to make yourself look as unattractive as possible?” said to Fran (sister) as she appeared in yet more black clothing, black hair, black makeup…..then, after hearing that….black mood!

“Hi Jim, sounds like your having fun. However this morning I caught the 06:33 from Shenfield to Liverpool Street and walked to St Pauls. I’ll be sat at my desk for the next 11 hours and then I have a Dinner with one of the firms clients (somewhere in the West End). If I’m lucky I’ll get home before midmight. Tomorrow I plan to get the 06:33 from Shenfield to Liverpool Street, although I may get the 06:39, as sometimes I like to be unpredictable and take a few risks. Then I’ll sit here for another 11 hours. Wish you were here. PS my friend got sacked yesterday, but the people here are so friendly. I often get given a free newspaper on my way home !” – On his brother’s travel blog, after an entry about visiting a Tiger enclosure in Delhi.

“Hi Jim, just to let you know I missed the 06:33 and caught the 06:39 instead. How’s the belly” – Confirming the above.

“Last night I TOLD Tessa that I’m leaving Centreparcs and going to the final if we get there. I just said it as fact and that it was non negotiable and that I didn’t want any moaning. She didn’t take it as well as I’d hoped.

And I hadn’t hoped for a good reaction.

Apparently a West Ham Cup Final is more important to me than a family holiday in Centreparcs. I couldn’t have agreed more, but I decided to stay silent. She spoke for about another 30 minutes, mainly without breathing. For someone who doesn’t care much for football, I was impressed by her recollection of “can’t miss games and events” (World Cup during the Summer, West Ham’s FA Cup Final 2006 etc.).

Luckily I had the Ipswich Vs Arsenal game on in the background and she stood far enough to the side, so I nodded from time to time and I think I got away with it. Anyway, Wembley here I come!

P.s. Sorry for dashing our hopes.”

After West Ham’s First Leg Carling Cup semi final win in 2011. Needless to say we lost the second leg and didn’t get to the Final. I won’t include the other Brother’s reactions as we can still get in trouble.

“Don’t laugh when they say Tessa’s middle name in the wedding vows – It’s Gaye. Tessa Gaye Mason”

Andrew to his brothers, ensuring they paid attention to the wedding ceremony and then battled very hard not to laugh. Well played.